No Matter How Good You Are At Something There’s Always About A Million People Better Than You: The Journey of a Runner Up
By Jon Holmes.
In 2017 comedian Hari Kondabolu created the documentary “The Problem With Apu“. It was a made-for-TV doc that addressed the racial incoherence of a fictional character: Apu Nahasapeemapetilon.
While I don’t claim to be of any sort of minority, I certainly always admired The Simpsons and still to this day will cite the show as my comedy upbringing… Although I haven’t seen the show for many years now I never personally believed there was an issue with Apu. In fact, rather I saw him as a character that was there to educate viewers in amongst a town full of clowns (and not to mention, numerous other stereotypes).
This was a character who in my time watching the programme had helped me to understand immigration, veganism, and arranged marriages – topics only whispered in the early 90/00s, which all seem more topical than ever right now. I would go in to watching The Problem With Apu with a feeling of “Did This Really Need to Get Made?” – I certainly recognised the issues that a character like Apu will bring and understood why people would find them triggering, but my dilemma came from me actually rather liking the learned father and business owner, and I couldn’t help but think that other, more deserving shows could be accused of misusing minorities for the sake of a cheap gag (The Big Bang Theory for one).
With that being said, The Problem with Apu made a huge splash: Everyone was talking about it: The Simpsons unofficially responded to the issue with an off the cuff visual gag that no-one would enjoy; Apu voice actor, Hank Azaria would go on to discuss it on Colbert, and Matt Groening released this half-assed statement.
“The Simpsons is sick and this contest is crowdsourcing the cure.”
Rather like Comic Book Guy exclaiming “Worst. Episode. Ever”, regularly I will go on to Twitter to vent about how poor and unimportant I believe current day Simpsons is – a mere ghost of its former self that diminishes its own legacy with each new and unfunny season. A show that refuses to die: A boxer that just won’t retire, a programme with food on its face that everyone else laughs at – and no longer with. Shankar was right. The Simpsons was sick. But this sickness would take the form of common old age.
No, I didn’t approach this as a man offended by a character; but rather a former fan, disgruntled by the show’s serious lack of care in handling a scenario like this, the tornado of outrage that had come from this 30 minute film and the show responding to it in such a blasé way was what drove me to writing my script.
It had reminded me of what a pathetic yellow bellied (- that was intentional) animal The Simpsons really is these days. Before I had ignored the show for its lack of relevance but now in the limelight due to angered fans with a voice, rather than deal with the issue in a jovial and satirical way like they used to on a weekly basis, the show instead surrounded itself with yet another shitty joke that bit in to the honeydew of nostalgia – and was met only by chirping crickets.
I went in to this particular script competition with a dogged determination to get the “voice” of the character, and to give him a fitting and just ending. One that a show that has been on the air for longer than I have been alive would be proud of. An ending that would easily slot in to the lore of The Simpsons, whilst being respectful to the people who the character had hurt.
My first steps were rewatching all of the main Apu episodes. I made up a small list on the back of a notepad that I had stolen from a previous job, which I’m sure read something like a haiku from a serial killer:
JAMES WOODS
APU GETS MARRIED
22 SHORTS ABOUT SPRINGFIELD
EIGHT BABIES
VALENTINES DAY
PAUL MCCARTNEY
This helped refresh the character in my head again (and hey, gave me an excuse to watch golden age episodes and claim they were “research”).
I always knew that I didn’t want to physically kill the character – it seemed (ironically) disrespectful, somehow. I, as a previous fan, felt the character deserved more of a send-off than being squashed by an anvil. No, I knew that in my script, Apu would simply leave the town behind. Springfield and Apu were both far different entities than when they had begun. The two had evolved, and outgrown each other. I knew that I would have to incorporate that in there, and really try to hit the bittersweet beats of the character never being seen again.
As a white, straight man from Bristol, during the blocked times, struggling to figure out what to do with the next scene, I would regularly have second-thoughts where I would question even if I was the correct kind of person to write a piece of this subject material. Eventually coming to the conclusion that anyone should be writing a story like this; providing it was dealt with in a respectful and, more importantly, hysterical way. It didn’t matter where the voice was originally coming from, as long as it was good.
I knew that this was a personal story for me as such a big fan, and I had to approach it from that angle. I knew that as I put that final full stop, it was the last I would ever see of the character, having in my mind, written the last line of dialog that Apu would ever say. I knew from that moment that I’d also retired The Simpsons in its entirety for myself as well.
I sent the script and didn’t think much of it. This was a worldwide callout, and just writing for an already existing show was a cool experience in itself.
Eventually I received an email telling me that I had been shortlisted as a finalist – of two hundred scripts, my piece, titled “Who Really Needs The Kwik-E-Mart?” had made it to the top 15%.
Months passed… I waited, and worked on other projects… the deadline would be pushed back… and then finally last week I received an email from the competition organisers telling me that I hadn’t gotten it. Gradually, as time passed, it began to hurt the more that I thought about it – but this is just how competitions work. I have no regret or bitterness towards the winner, and offer them my congratulations with their success. I know that Mr Shankar is going to make something really damn special – something that I anticipate just like I would have done with any other new episodes in The Simpsons’ glory days.
ComedyWire has been kind enough to let me attach the spec script that I sent to the competition below, which can be read on here for free.
Jon Holmes