Show your funny News Bulletin – the articles
Our latest Show Your Funny forum challenge was to write an amusing article to go with this image and headline:
“Cats Better At Selfies Than Humans Study Shows”
Check out the best entries:
Simon the Mighty (Simon Wiedemann):
Many cats are taking selfies, but why? Scientists hypothesise that they aim to get into modeling, after hearing the profession has large supplies of gourmet cat food. These rumours are believed to have been spread, by local kitty ‘Lorenzo’, who nods his head at cat food pinups, and licks his lips, enthusiastically. However, it seems he is noted amongst his acquaintances for telling huge lies. He once rolled his eyes to the back of his head, stood on two feet, and stuck his paws in the air. As he did so, he roared, confidently, then danced like a robot. All men who observed him, came to the conclusion he was trying to say he was some kind of God. Awkward, fur-ball coughs followed. Still, the thought of extra food is famously irresistible to felines. Thus, it appears they took Lorenzo’s word for his claims about posing for cameras. Whatever the reason, all kinds of selfies followed; cats posed, looking coy, with their paws in front of their mouths, and seeming to say ‘ssshhhhhh….’; cats postured wearing tiny business suits; and cats even took pictures of themselves, as they jumped off buildings. Needless to say, this has to stop. People are getting freaked out.
Kate Mayne:
Cats better at selfies than humans a recent study by the University of Sychophants shows. In fact, cats are better at most things scientists conclude. Famous selfie sharers The Kardashians are looking to up their selfie game by trying to imitate cats, including walking around on all fours, seeking affection in return for food and sitting staring at the fridge for large amounts of time as indication they want to be fed. “The Kardashians have always been a bit catty”, said a source close to reality TV’s most famous family, showing they already have the feline attitude down to a tee. Moggles, a tabby from Margate, is making more money than Kanye West’s accountant with his incredibly relatable pouting/head-slightly-tilted-to-the-side bathroom mirror selfies on instakitty. He’s just launched his own line of flea collars and litter trays, and is also given wads of cash everytime he posts a selfie with the hashtag: #nofleafilter.”
Alan Morgan:
Sensational claims today by Felix Milegg, leader of the Cat Liberation Group that cats were better at Selfies than Humans following a recent study.
An independent enquiry was immediately demanded by Roger Milegg of the Dog Supremacy League who suggested that some of the photos (like the cat shown) had been doctored. He then went on to pour scorn on the study itself which was based on a survey at 11.59 a.m. outside the fish market saying no sane dog would go out in such strong sunshine to vote. Roger then demanded another survey outside the butchers at 10 in the morning. There was further controversy when a member of the public then came forward to say that he had accidentally taken the picture in question whilst trying to photograph a field mouse. However this could not be substantiated as the mouse had disappeared.
Squiggly:
The research was conducted by a new start-up in Silicon Valley, that was creating software to teach cats to be house-trained.
In a shocking twist, the cats were already far better than humans at being house-trained, taking selfies, and Japanese calligraphy, beating humans by 17%.
In a statement, a cat taking part in the research said “I’m not surprised by the results – we beat the humans into outer space, it was only a matter of time until we conquered social media.”
Scientists believe cats were better at selfies because they never blink.
The start-up that conducted the research has recently fired all its employees and invested in the first smartphone for felines, the “Cat’s Eye-Phone 7”.