Election Time! The winner is revealed..
And this time its not Donald Trump.
We set Comedy Crowders the challenge of writing a short humorous news article (max 250 words) on the US election in the week of the final vote, with the winner being selected by Newsthump Managing Editor Richard Smith.
The winning article is “OFSTED seek to place Electoral College in “special measures” by Freddie Dysart. Read this and the other articles receiving an honourable mention from Richard Smith below:
OFSTED seek to place Electoral College in “special measures” – by Freddie Dysart
In a surprise move, the Chief Inspector of Schools, Sir Michael Wilshaw, has entered into the post Presidential Election debate by claiming that the US Electoral College should be placed in “Special Measures”.
Mr. Wilshaw’s intervention comes in the wake of the Republican nominee securing 279 Electoral College votes, to Clinton’s 228. This contrasts greatly with the popular vote tally which indicates that Clinton has secured almost 48%, to Trump’s 47%.
The OFSTED chief told us- “We have very serious misgivings about the standards of the outcomes being produced by the Electoral College. We have particular concerns in the area of mathematics. When a group of people comes to the conclusion that 47% is greater than 48%, it’s a clear indication that mathematical understanding amongst the student body is somewhat inadequate.”
NASUWT spokesperson, Marjorie Topic said, “ It’s not unusual for OFSTED to inspect overseas schools and come out with outlandish criticisms, but surely even they can’t blame teachers for this cluster-fuck?”
It seem highly unlikely the inspectorate body will be successful in their endeavour because the Electoral College isn’t actually a school and even the Americans would quickly realise that they’re a shower of useless bastards.
Trump hair immigration scandal – by Adam Martin
Donald Trump is facing a setback to his presidential campaign after suspicions his hair is Mexican.
The claims come after an aide was administering one of Mr Trump’s 12 daily hair reinforcements and “could smell tacos”, and hear “faint mariachi music” emanating from the billionaire’s crown.
The discovery was not made earlier due to Mr Trump’s maximum volume speaking policy. Mr Trump only lowers his voice when groomed and after the bedtime box is placed over his head to induce sleep and reduce tweets.
Head of Mexican hair studies at the University of Bolton Professor Samuel Holay said: “Mexican hair is widely considered among the best in the world. By using Mexican hair Mr Trump is joining a long list of south of the border follicle fans. Mexican hair has been worn by Lady Gaga, Lionel Richie and William Shatner. What surprises me is that Mr Trump would go for such a poor model. He can clearly afford the good stuff.”
The Trump campaign is yet to comment fully on the story but has said there will be a thorough investigation into whether the hair entered the USA illegally and added if Mr Trump does become president removing any of his remaining hair will be a federal offence. Whether Mr Trump is planning to replace his hair with a younger eastern European model remains unclear. An errant strand of Trump’s hair was taken for DNA verification and a citizenship test.
Donald Trump starts Twitter war with himself – by Mark Daniels
Republican presidential nominee, Donald Trump, has taken a break from campaigning this weekend to start a Twitter war with himself.
On Friday evening @RealDonaldTrump tweeted ‘Women who get pregnant and want maternity leave are just lazy.’ It caused uproar on social media, prompting Donald to deny ever saying it. Thirty minutes later, he replied to his own tweet, simply saying ‘Wrong’. The spat descended into a range of completely unrelated topics, with Donald Trump accusing himself of having stupid hair, before Donald Trump boasted that he had a bigger phallic skyscraper than Donald Trump. Both Trump and Trump declared themselves victor, by claiming that they had more Twitter followers than each other anyway. So there.
Trump’s tiny hands are no strangers to Twitter battles, having already been involved in high profile fracas with Cher, Diane Louise Jordan and Bob The Builder. This experience has allowed him to develop his own unique approach to tweeting: nonsensical and contradictory.
The final exchange came on Sunday afternoon when Trump wrote ‘I’m going to win the election,’ followed by Trump replying ‘Wrong. I’m President 4eva. If Destroyed Still True #IDST.’ A spokesman for Mr Trump said that should he lose the presidential vote this coming Tuesday, he will post the same tweet again. It seems that whatever the results of election, the republican has a plan to outsmart Hillary Clinton.
Mexico to begin construction of border wall immediately.. – by Freddie Dysart
With the election of Donald Trump as president of the US seemingly imminent, his Mexican counterpart, Enrique Peña Nieto, has “Trumped” him by declaring his intention to start to build a border wall immediately.
Mr Peña Nieto appeared live on Mexican TV networks, in what seems to have been a pre-prepared speech-
“People of Mexico, it is with a heavy heart that I have to announce my decision to implement a huge public works programme. We will immediately start to build a wall between ourselves and the US to protect our border and sovereignty.
“ With the news that Donald Trump is to become President, we believe that millions of white liberals and people with above average IQs, will start to descend on our border towns, crossing over, using whatever means necessary to make a better life for themselves in our country. Although we have great sympathy for their plight, we must ensure that the Mexican people and their jobs are safe from these interlopers.”
In a live Q&A after the speech, the Mexican president was asked how the scheme would be financed-
“We will allow the first 500, 000 American immigrants free and safe passage into our country if they bring with them a brick and agree to work on the wall for free, for the course of its construction. Basically, we’ll get the Gringos to do it for us, and when they’re finished they can be our gardeners or something.”
Netflix to Screen Next Season of Presidential Election – by Chris
After a thrilling, white knuckle finale to the Presidential Election, Netflix has confirmed it’s signed a deal to broadcast season 45.
Buoyed by the success of hit shows such as Stranger Things and Black Mirror, the network outbid all other media outlets to secure the rights to air the next series of the wildly popular, yet highly improbable American drama.
“If there’s one show that got everyone talking this year, it’s the Presidential Election,” said Netflix boss Simon Williams.
“It had everything. Even the stuff no-one in their right mind wanted. The writers threw the lot at it and I think that’s evident by the horrified reaction from all of humanity.
“Sure, we saw Donald Trump win in this season’s climax, but there’s a shit ton of loose threads left to tie up.
“His tax records for a start. All those abused women. Threats of impeachment. That wall. Those Muslims. What if a powerful foreign business interest pays a rogue CIA agent to kill him off? I’m just thinking aloud here, we must let the writers do their job.”
Fan Wendy Parsons said: “Trump’s compelling narrative arc was the only reason I remained glued to the Presidential Election. He’s like Gordon Gekko, crossed with a rapey Wile E. Coyote, crossed with a burning Goodyear tyre on a Stoke industrial estate.
“It’s utterly unbelievable, but what a show! It’s got to be a shoo-in for the Emmys.”